When I look at women in my life who have chosen to remain single, they look so strong to me.
I look up to them.
I do sometimes worry that they might someday regret never having children, but ultimately, the strength, independence, and courage that they show in the choice they make seems very admirable. Some of them are simply open to maybe someday choosing a mate, but content in their singleness for now. They look so strong to me, and I do so admire their contentment in the midst of the uncertainty.
As for me, I feel like the hands of my biological clock are racing so quickly around and around and an alarm bell is screaming inside me that the sands of my time to reproduce are rapidly disappearing and that I need to do something about it. Immediately.
Do I really need to, though? Would it really be so bad if I never got married or had kids? Right now that sounds lonely, and the cold grey Washington skies seem to close in on me when I think of things like dying old and alone someday with no husband or children. But ... life is so much more than if you've got someone at your bedside when you leave this place. The world is not paradise. That inner yearning for something more is the longing for God and for paradise. It can never be fully fulfilled in this world. This world is full of death, tragedy, sin, poverty, and brokenness. Don't get me wrong - there's a lot of great stuff in the world, too, but it can never be paradise.
Life is more than our own personal fulfillment.
Life is the journey with God at our side. We're never alone. He's always there.
Life is about more than husbands and wives, children, family, or friends.
That private inward journey with God is the most important thing. It is the most important relationship, and the only one you can really count on. God will never leave you or forsake you - even when you doubt He's there, and even when you doubt He cares.
So yet another guy turned out not to be the right one for me. Yeah, it's tragic, and honestly I spent all day in bed, depressed, sleeping, reading, and alternating between intense grief and avoidance. I hurt from deep inside my soul and I was suffering. Yet another man did not choose me. That had to mean that I'm a terrible person, so screwed up that no one would ever want me so ... undesirable, unlovable ... and I was suffering, burning inside in my own private hell. So what if no one wants me? Is that really so bad? Maybe ... but - but maybe I could be more like the women I know who, while being deeply desirable and lovable, have chosen either never to marry or remarry, or simply to not give themselves to men who won't cherish them. They know they are precious, and they won't give themselves to men who don't know how precious they are too. My dear friends, men or women, don't forget how precious you are and how much God loves you. He adores you, and you are so deeply precious to Him. Don't settle for anything less than loving and being loved with depth, passion, and intensity - with someone precious who knows just how precious you are too. Bless you. Single or married. Happy or sad. Bless you right where you are. And be happy right where you are. You are complete right here and now, no matter who does or does not love you, no matter what you're going through: you are precious.
I was on 2 dating websites, but this recent experience of "the date that never was" was so disillusioning that I got off both of the sites and now I'm not on any dating sites. There's a strange feeling inside me as I think of that - mingled emotions of relief (I don't have to risk rejection and pain anymore right now) and fear (loneliness, fear of being unwanted, alone.)
It is hard to love.
It takes a lot of courage. It is hard to give of yourself in that way and to open yourself up to someone and let them in. It can be brutally painful, sometimes, when you step out in faith and fall flat on your face. Love has its purpose in life and even can produce growth within us. I'm not saying love is a bad thing. Someday, maybe even someday soon, I'll try again. Maybe a different website or a few of them. It is a worthy quest, to find a soulmate. Sometimes I feel as if I was made without a match. And that I don't fit the men I wish I did. The guys on the website who sounded really solid in their relationship with God. Only one of them responded to me, and in the end, he rejected me too. But there's someone out there for me, maybe - even for me. And it will take another type of strength to reach for that. Someday, I'll begin that search, that quest again.